Garden of Goodbyes Read online

  I ignored the pair of giddy girls seated at my station, sipping their cosmopolitans and giggling about it being their first real drink—losers. The people I called friends were stealing beers and half-empty bottles of whiskey from their dads’ stashes long before we were legal.

  Making myself look busy while discreetly eyeing Lennox, I pulled out a rag from my apron to clean an empty table and adjusted my boobs so they spilled over the top of my skimpy black tank. From what I knew of him, my efforts were futile. Nothing would get him to look my way, even my killer rack. He already had a girlfriend and they were serious. High school sweethearts. Gag. Yuck. Shoot me. It wasn’t like me to prey on someone else’s man, but his girlfriend, Eden, and I were currently on the outs and I was looking for a way to piss her off. Immature? Catty? Devious? Maybe, but getting a rise out of her was better than not having her pay any attention to me at all.

  She was in and out of my life more than a commuter through a turnstile, but that was my own fault. I was ‘difficult,’ as she phrased it, and she needed to keep her distance to keep her head on straight with her own studies and to prepare for the homecoming of her cherished college boy.

  That night, however, I felt rather daring. I didn’t want to keep my distance. Especially not from Lennox, because once Eden got word that I was flirting with her man, she’d have no choice but to talk to me and stop ignoring my phone calls. I was using Lennox as a pawn, but so be it. What was life if you couldn’t have a little reckless fun from time to time?

  Too bad my idea of reckless always ended in disaster. Even knowing that, nothing prepared me for the way cozying up to Lennox Dean would change everything.

  Present

  LONG BEFORE THE SUN CAME up that morning, my co-worker and best friend, Joy, drove me to the airport without a word but with a sourpuss expression. I often joked that fate brought us together a year after I moved to New York to take the job at the PR firm of my dreams for the simple fact her name represented something my life had been lacking for so long.

  “Will you say something already?” The scrutiny in her silence was driving me insane.

  “What’s there to say, Eden? I can’t believe you’re doing this.” She shook her head as she gripped the wheel, dodging in and out of the slow-moving traffic.

  I kept my eyes on the road in front of us rather than make eye contact with her. “What’s so hard to believe? I feel obligated. I’m a good person. I’d never be able to live with myself if I could’ve been there to prevent something bad from happening.” I cannot endure the loss of Lennox all over again. The boy I once loved with all my heart. The boy who broke my heart into a million shattered pieces.

  “Obligated? Don’t make me smack you. You owe neither of those lowlifes anything!”

  I felt the blood drain from my face. Her words were true, but still harsh. Joy was the only other person who knew what I’d been through with Lennox and Violet, about my father and my shitty childhood, what caused me to uproot and start over miles away from the place I once called home. Still, I guessed she sensed by my non-response that her words struck an invisible chord.

  One of her hands left the wheel and found my thigh. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

  “No, you’re right.” I sighed, patting her hand with mine. She was right. This was beyond stupid. I was wasting vacation time at work, money I didn’t have to throw around on plane fare, and my fucking dignity. But I was still in this car, on the way to the airport, ready to face hell. “I know you want to scold me and I deserve it, I do, but what I really need right now is for you to tell me it’ll be all right. I need my best friend to be on my team right now. Can you do that?”

  Joy huffed and leaned her head against the cream-colored leather seat of her tiny Fiat. She blinked her eyes and took a deep breath as if she was gathering the strength to lie straight to my face. “It’ll be all right, Eden.”

  “Thank you,” I choked out, swallowing a thick knob of sadness in my throat. I had to believe her false promise or I’d break apart before I even got to Tampa. If I couldn’t hold it together, what would be the point, anyway? Violet called me for help. That couldn’t have been easy. We went our separate ways a very long time ago, as enemies. She made her bed—with Lennox—and they got to lie in it together. Drunk, high, or however the fuck they wanted.

  A once-familiar, now-foreign voice that haunted my dreams and invaded my memories repeated a phrase on a sick cycle of torture. “You can’t give me what I need anymore, Eden! Only she can . . .”

  A pit of skin-prickling rage mixed with the recollection of humiliating betrayal stung my gut and pierced the corners of my eyes with hot tears. Every time I thought of that moment, that day—the end—it felt as if I was reliving each crushing heartbeat all over again.

  “What are you thinking?” Joy broke through my ugly visions, bringing me back to the here and now.

  “You don’t want to know.” I half-laughed, half-scowled, forcing away my wild emotions. She knew every gory detail about the cheating and lying. She was along for the ride as I discovered tidbits of the trouble those two were in from old acquaintances back home or the newspapers that sometimes followed the downward spiral of NFL has-been, Lennox Dean. Joy didn’t need me to spell it out. I was a mess. I didn’t want to face them or the disaster of a life they made for themselves. But most of all, I absolutely did not want to face my past. I left it and watched it disappear through a rearview mirror years ago. I buried it deep inside and didn’t trudge it up as a method of survival. Survival. Ha! This is a poor excuse of an existence. What I’d been through morphed me from the hopeful, happy person I used to be to the empty shell I was now. Only a person who’d been beaten and broken the way I had could understand why I allowed these painful memories to hold residence and significance in my soul. But I didn’t need to overwhelm Joy with the dread that engulfed me as I prepared myself for this visit and digging up old hurts.

  I was fucked. This would be a major step back, a wormhole in a direction I never wanted to venture again. My heart raced and my hands felt clammy with nerves. Panic set in but I didn’t let it show. If I displayed even one ounce of trepidation, Joy would have no part of it. She’d forbid me to go and I’d listen because I was too weak to deal with her disapproval. In the corner of my weary mind, I kept asking myself Is it too late to turn back? If I only pretended they didn’t exist—the way I had for so long—maybe I could go back to my apartment, my job, the few friends I had, and get the fuck on with my life once and for all. Without them. On my own. The way it seemed I was destined to be.

  “YOU CAN’T GIVE ME WHAT I need anymore, Eden! Only she can . . .” Lennox choked on his words as the humongous snake enveloped him, taking his breath and stealing his control.

  “No! You’ll hurt him! Please! Stop!” I reached out to save him, but the snake lunged and snapped its mouth open, baring sharp fangs. I recoiled and blinked back my fear, only to open my eyes and see that Lennox wasn’t trapped by a monster. He was being held captive by Violet.

  “Violet? Don’t do this. Please,” I pleaded once more, hoping she’d see how she was hurting me—hurting both of us—by making him choose.

  “He wants me now. Not his precious, righteous Edie. Live with it!” Violet hissed, her eyes glowing as if she actually were the demonic reptile I saw at first. Her evil, hypnotic stare did nothing to spellbind me, but that wasn’t the case for Lennox.

  With just one look from Violet he submitted, limp and sedated beneath her touch. She pulled out a needle, stuck it in his arm, and laughed as Lennox’s eyes rolled back in his head with an expression of pure, abandoned ecstasy. A smirk stretched across her lips and mischief oozed from her eyes as she zoned in on me, grasping Lennox’s pleasure-smeared face in her hands and bringing his willing lips to hers.

  “No!” I cried, falling to my knees. “No! Stop! Lennox . . .”

  “Miss! Miss, are you okay?” I was startled awake by a male flight attendant and then noticed the disapproving eyes of two
passengers who shared my row.

  “Oh, my God. I’m so sorry,” I whispered, wiping the sheen of sweat that coated my forehead. “I must’ve been dreaming. I’m so sorry.” I darted between the attendant and the strangers beside me with my hand plastered over my mouth.

  In an instant, the nightmare came back to me and I knew I’d screamed out loud in my sleep. It wasn’t the first time, it wouldn’t be the last, but it certainly was the most embarrassing.

  “Will you excuse me, please?” I ignored the people staring and kept my head down as I made the walk of shame down the aisle to the restroom.

  This is a mistake. This is a huge fucking mistake.

  It had been months since I dreamt of them in that way, years since I felt this helpless about the circumstances. Wounds this deep never really healed, they just scabbed over until you picked at them again. This trip was just that—a deep stab in an old gash. I’d inflicted mental ruin on myself by agreeing to return home.

  If I could parachute out of this plane right now I would. Unfortunately, there was no turning back now.

  Past

  THIS PARTICULAR SEMESTER SEEMED TO drag by with Lennox away from home. We knew what we were getting ourselves into three years ago when he left for the University of Florida and I stayed behind with more than one hundred and thirty miles between us to attend the University of South Florida. I couldn’t afford anything fancy—my father wasn’t paying for shit because we didn’t have shit—and I wasn’t as lucky, or talented, as Lennox, who’d been granted a full scholarship to play football for his dream college.

  Still, we made due, our relationship stronger than ever, even though our conflicting schedules seemed to be pitted against us. I was working my ass off on an accelerated course. I wanted to get the fuck out of Dodge as soon as possible and start my life with Lennox. And Lennox—well, he was destined for stardom. I remembered one of our conversations from last week, in awe.

  “These fucking drills, Edie, I replay them in my sleep. One knee, two knee, I hear it on a repeat reel. And the training they have me doing to improve my timing and targeting—it’s like Mr. Brown’s tenth grade physics class all over again, except on speed. I’m beat. So damn tired, but every time I think I’m too weak to tough it out or that I’ll break under the pressure, I—I think about us. You make me push further, practice harder, prove myself better. I want it all, baby, because you deserve it all.”

  My boy. I was so proud of him, even though my heart felt every mile of the distance between us. Even though I was worried he was wearing himself thin. I knew it was all for the greater good. All for our greater good.

  Finding time to actually see each other was nearly impossible. In the off-season he managed to keep his rigorous training routine, and during the season his weekends were untouchable because he was playing. I’d only been able to travel to one game this semester because I couldn’t afford to take time off work when I wasn’t in school. So this break, Lennox returning home to Tampa, meant everything to me.

  I was meeting Lennox at a local hangout and whisking him away from his friends for our first night alone in forever. I took extra care in primping for our reunion. Not that it mattered because Lennox would devour me with his eyes, his mouth, and his body, even if I wore a suit of armor.

  I looked past the dulled scratches and nicked up surface of my full-length mirror and smiled at my reflection. My long dark hair spilled down my back in natural waves the way Lennox liked it best. Mascara, a tiny bit of blush, and a light lip gloss added color to my fair complexion, and I dressed in a pair of tight-fitting jeans and my favorite Florida Gator player’s jersey. Lennox had it custom made for me the Christmas of our first year apart, and although it was worn in and fraying in certain places from overuse, it was still my favorite item of clothing.

  With one final fluff of my hair, I grabbed my bag and dug to the bottom for my keys as I walked out of my room and shut the door behind me. The keys clanked musically from a Gators keychain as I locked my bedroom door from the outside. It probably wasn’t the norm for most twenty-year-olds to feel the need to secure her room from the rest of her family, but my family wasn’t the norm. William forgot how to be a father about two point five seconds after my mother died, my grandmother didn’t live here but came and went as she pleased with the misguided notion that whatever was under this roof was at her greedy disposal, and my little sister—I had no idea what she was even up to these days. I was only certain it was trouble, and I stayed as far from that as possible because she’d made it clear she didn’t need me anyway. Luckily, we didn’t run in the same circles, associate with the same people, or even go to the same school, for that matter. My grades and some placement testing got me a seat in a school one town over, out of the sticks and away from the toxicity of my family.

  Before heading for the rickety stairs, I tugged at the doorknob one final time to be sure it was locked. It wasn’t as though I had much of value, but it was still my stuff and I didn’t want my father ransacking the place only to come up empty-handed. The little money I had saved up for my escape plan was in the bank, but that wouldn’t stop William from turning my room upside down in hopes of scrounging enough cash for his next bottle of whiskey or dime bag of weed.

  Sick. My mother would be sick if she could see what we’d become. It was her memory and my love for Lennox that kept me on the rigid track I was on—hell bent on bettering myself and not becoming a statistic of my pitiful upbringing. Just the thought of a future with Lennox added a skip to my step as I pummeled down the creaky staircase and zoomed past a drunk William, unconscious and snoring on his recliner with the TV blaring a rerun of COPS.

  “Going out,” I said over my shoulder. It was a common courtesy he didn’t deserve, but it still slipped from my lips anytime I left the house. One day he wouldn’t be here, like Mom, and as shitty a parent as he was for giving up on life when my mother lost hers, he was still the only father I’d ever have. Lucky you, Eden. Such a prize.

  By the time I arrived at the restaurant, the decrepit state of my home and my father were long forgotten and replaced with yearning for my long distance boyfriend. If I was excited to see him before, being mere steps away after months of separation brought on a whole new level of anticipation. My heart raced, my feet moved faster than my legs allowed, and my stomach still harbored butterflies the way they did when Lennox first kissed me under the blinding lights of the football field more than four years ago.

  I looked around the half-filled parking lot to make sure no one was around to witness my haste and then hit the ground running, not a moment to lose till I was in his arms again. Taking the restaurant entrance two steps at a time, I made it to the door and shoved it open.

  A whoosh of familiarity assaulted my senses—peanut shells crackling under my feet, loud pub-music from the overhead speakers, draft beer and cigarette smoke invading my nose, and raucous laughter. Lennox’s laughter. I’d recognize that infectious roar of happiness amongst a million others. An instantaneous smile painted my face and the sound lured me to him like a charmer’s snake. I could hear it from the hostess desk and waved her off, letting her know I was joining a group, following Lennox’s amusement like a moth to a flame.

  But when I rounded the corner and locked eyes with Violet—her big boobs popping out of her top as she sat on the edge of his table and flaunted them in front of my man—my smile vanished. I froze. Speechless and wounded. But the bitch had the audacity to pretend she didn’t see me and leaned down to whisper something in Lennox’s ear that brought on that same laughter I was so excited to hear just moments ago. Now it was tainted. The whole moment ruined. My long awaited reunion was spoiled because of her. How could she do this to me?

  Blood roared in my ears and burned them from the inside out. I wanted to put an end to this whole scene, but before I made an ass of myself by storming to the table and causing an avoidable ruckus, I assessed the situation and counted to ten.

  The closer I looked the more I could see t
hat Violet was the handsy one, she was the initiator. Lennox was innocent, albeit wide-eyed by the unsolicited attention he was getting from Violet.

  With this knowledge and as much class as I could muster, I waltzed over to the table as if I didn’t have a care in the world and tapped Lennox on the shoulder. He spun around mid-laugh, nearly knocking Violet to the floor, and when he laid his eyes on me every worry about infidelity or betrayal was washed away by the adoration seeping from his emerald gaze.

  “Baby! You’re here!” He jumped out of his chair and wrapped his thick arms around me. I didn’t have time to evaluate any changes in his body structure because I was too wrapped up in the moment, in him.

  “Hi,” I whispered, my emotions catching in my throat as he loosened his grip and pulled back to take a good look at me.

  “My gorgeous girl. I’m so happy to see you.” He kissed my lips first, lingering with his mouth closed, then he peppered the tip of my nose, my fluttering eyelids, and finally planted a tender kiss on my forehead. Those were my favorite. He knew this. He hadn’t forgotten. He’s home.

  Lennox slung his arm around me and bellowed over the crowd. “I’m outta here, guys.” Without a second to spare or a glance in Violet’s direction, he grabbed money from his back pocket and threw it on the table. “Ready, babe?”

  I nodded, waving around the table to Lennox’s friends as a hello and goodbye. They respected what we had and never gave him shit for wanting to spend his time with me. Besides, he’d be home for a few weeks this time and there would be more opportunities for them to get together, when we weren’t eager to be reacquainted.